I have been feeling ill all day now. Ill. And bothered. Sometimes on the wage of tears. Insecure. Maybe even a little guilty. Overall... Troubled. Why? Because of the dreaded drama that now made it into my beloved roleplay Adaugeo and even managed to tear it apart like a crazed Dragonhawk. It makes me sad. But it also makes me angry. And I really need to let some of this out now, for I am one of the few that know the truth. And it's an inconvenient truth, yes.

I know, the reason these players left is partly my fault. My fault because I exist and dared to be myself. All the harrassment that's been mentioned but barely anyone believes to have existed... A good part of it got directed at me. The first time it happened was a shock. A real shock. Out of nowhere there were those people that I believed to be my friends suddenly rushing down on me like they've mutated into crazed Dragonhawks themselves, verbally shredding me to pieces until all I felt capable of doing was crawl under my blanket and cry myself to sleep for the rest of the day. The following month I was terrified, growing more and more paranoid every time I saw them get online on AIM, afraid of what else there might be come.

It was horror. And the worst part... I blamed it on myself. They really made me believe that all and everything was my fault. I wanted to leave the game, but couldn't bring myself to it, for I would have to explain why... And no one actually knew. Well. No one apart from to whom I spoke a little about what had happened, but didn't want him to do anything, fearing that he might get dragged into something nasty. Oh, Vash. My dearest... You might feel lucky that you have left the game before that mess went loose yesterday. It wasn't nice. And it probably won't be nice for a while.

Well. My terror came to a sudden end when out of the blue I got contacted via AIM by one of my harrassers, all happy-go-lucky-style like nothing ever happened. And I was like 'WTF?!' That was just so wrong. So VERY wrong! I think that was when I started being... Well. A bit suspicious. But I hoped that we could just get along again. I liked the people from the game. Loved the RPing. Loved talking to them... Even though talking to these particular persons suddenly got rather difficult. Regardless what i said... Things always got turned around as if I had said something negative. As if I'd try insulting anyone and things like that. I'm kind of sure they had already hated me back then.

And then there was the sudden and reasonless attack on because she dared to do a joke IC that got taken personally by the player of the character that joke was directed to. The crazed Dragonhawk went in action again, accelerating to full speed. And I listened to her reactions over Skype until... Well. Until she cried out of desperation because she wasn't even given the time to answer to any of the accusations. She too was short off leaving the game. As for me... I got really mad that time and stepped in before things got too bad.

Guys. This isn't how things are done or problems are solved. It is not.

I know we must be kind of hated by these players. Maybe because we tried being creative and getting some interesting plots into motion or... I really don't know. But I really think they loath us... All while we tried being friends with them. It is kind of... Sad. Yes. But when I think about it now... I guess it is just that I was to see their real me. Not just the nice and friendly mask that they display everywhere, but what lies underneath. A ghastly grimace that can mutate into that crazed Dragonhawk ever so quickly.

Now the bomb fell yesterday. There have been more reasons to this, that I'm not going to talk about. But it fell. And hit.
The players left. And created their own game.
One might think now, that they created an entirely new game. Own plot, own setting, own ideas - You know. Originality and such. But... No. All they did was make a 1:1 copy of the game they just left, put their friendly masks back on and asked the other players privately if they wanted to move over to that new game as well. Yes. You heard that right. First they copy the game, most likely without asking the original founders for permission, and then they dragged the players with them. Well. At least those that they can stand and... We are the hated ones, so... Yes.

I don't know what to say to this actually... It is... Well. Low. Really, really low.

What I DO know though is, that they have no idea about any of the secrets that the creators of the game had come up with for their players to unfold. Nothing at all.

Right now... After two more drop-posts just popped up and I'm actually unable to keep myself alltogether entirely. It's hard to watch this. To watch and be unable to do anything at all. It tears me apart on the inside. A player that I liked so much just went as well. Sure. It was to be expected, for she is their friend and all and... but... Yes. It's not like I can change anything. I can just watch and hope, that something will prevail. That other players will come and make this place as much fun again as it had been.

I wonder who will leave next. And if they are sure they made the right decision. If they really make their decisions on their own, or if they only make their decisions because of some words spoken to them by a friendly mask hiding a crazed Dragonhawk sharpening its talons.

I don't know. I'm at a loss and tired. And sad. Devastated. Though I have to be strong now. And survive this crisis that will cost me a few nights of sleep for sure. And tears. I hadn't seen any of this coming. So... It IS hard right now and I'm not grateful for what these people are willing to put others through that never meant them any harm.

Have I been sleeping?
I’ve been so still
Afraid of crumbling
Have I been careless?
Dismissing all the distant rumblings
Take me where I am supposed to be
To comprehend the things that I can’t see

Cause I need to move
I need to wake up
I need to change
I need to shake up
I need to speak out
Something’s got to break up
I’ve been asleep
And I need to wake up
Now.
[[ [link] ]]

Yes. Nothing to do with global warming. Though if you haven't seen 'An inconvenient truth' yet I'd advice you to do it and then think about what you've seen.

Have a nice day
~Zelu

...who kind of wishes for a hug now... and hopes for at least some players to stay at the game that still is loved so much.